After my last post a series of things happened and it just seemed that I could not escape this terrible nightmare. Ryan’s Boys & Girls Club hosted a Multicultural Festival in partnership with many organizations throughout our city. In one area, high school students were putting on a number of traditional dances from all over the world (very cool). When I stopped to watch, the emcee took the stage. Can you guess where she’s from??? Foreign exchange student … from Kyrgyzstan! What are the odds? A Kyrgyz foreign exchange student in our little town of Fond du Lac? Of course.
The next week I decided I would start to see a therapist to try and work through my emotions, and figure out a way to get back to work. Turns out, she’s an adoptive mom from Kazakhstan. Not quite Kyrgyzstan, but close enough. She even admitted that she wasn’t sure if she should tell me or not because it was obvious that it was still pretty raw. Honestly, it was pretty hard at first, and I debated going back. However, I stuck with her, and now I am grateful to have someone who understands the adoption world, and the desire to mother through adoption. I’ve come to realize that it makes my sessions go much easier.
My heart is broken beyond repair. There is an Akyl size hole in my heart and nothing I do seems to make it less empty. I suppose I need to find a way to live with it, rather than trying to fix it. But I’m a fixer. I’m a doer. There is nothing I can fix or do about this, so it puts me in a bit of a pickle. I feel like I’m holding myself together with tape and glue, and some days the pressure is just too much. The tape and/or glue is going to give, and I will be a puddle.
3 comments:
Sending you huge hugs tonight. Please keep faith for that is all we have some days.
Jes, maybe just allow yourself to be that puddle for a while? Maybe holding it together is taking too much strength and energy and not leaving enough for you? It's okay to feel the pain you're feeling. You don't have to be strong and brave. No one is keeping score or taking notes. No one is judging. Maybe you just need to escape to a place where you can grieve fully and deeply and loudly and without concern for what anyone else would think. Maybe you have to yell and hit things. Ever consider a boxing class? I took one once when I was in a very low, sad, angry place in my life and it was cathartic.
Staying strong for the sake of staying strong really doesn't do anyone any good. We are all fragile humans and we need to react to the painful blows we receive, not just stand there and say, "I can handle this." Who can handle what you and some of our other dear friends have faced? Who? It's still so fresh and raw. It should hurt. It should be hard. If it didn't what would that say about your heart?
If you're a fixer, like I am, think of making time to actively mourn your loss as step one in the fix-it process.
Sending lots of love,
Suzanne
There is no fix, no repair to be made, and no replacement to be had. If you can get to a point where you can be ok with not being able to do anything about it, then you can start to heal.
I don't exactly know how you feel, but what I do know is that there is nothing I, or anyone else, can say that will make this better. However, I am happy that you are seeing a therapist, because what YOU say and think will make a difference.
The pain may never completely go away, and that Akyl shaped hole will always be there, because in your heart, you are his parents.
You love him, you care about his well being, you worry about him............you are his parents in your hearts, and that's ok.
We are here for you guys, whether you need a distraction, someone to listen, someone to scream at, or someone to talk to, we are here, and I hope you let us help if we can!
We love you guys and think about you often.
Alaina and Robby
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