Real Talk

Holy bananas -- we are EXHAUSTED!!

And we're struggling.

Emilia has some significant things going on, and we're not quite sure yet what they are. There are obvious developmental delays, but it is more than just "institutionalization". She has serious control issues, and what we've discovered recently that she knows what she doesn't want, but actually has no idea what she does want. Since day one, whenever there was a lull, she would tug on our arms and say "vaminos". That first week, she would say that at least two times for every hour. And when we didn't go, she would grab her privates and say "pee pee" or "ca ca" as embarrassingly loud as she could. She clearly did not have to use the bathroom, but has obviously learned that if she says that, she doesn't have to continue with what is currently happening. Each week has improved slightly as we try to communicate with her. Communication is difficult though. Her communication skills are so lacking, even in her native language. We have a very hard time making sure she understands things.

If she *thinks* we're going to do something that she may not like, she flips out and melts down.

And by meltdown, I don't mean that she cries a little. She thrashes and throws herself to the ground crying so hard that she cannot catch her breath. She refuses to be consoled, and certainly cannot be reasoned with. And it lasts an unbelievably long time, usually more than thirty minutes. Best episode yet? In the middle of the waiting room at the passport office! This also included slapping, pinching and biting.

Bedtime and naps.
Getting her down for bed is the worst. And so far every day has been worst than the previous. Just to be clear, it isn't just pitching a fit because she doesn't want to go to bed, it's absolute terrifying screaming bloody murder type crying. Then thrashing. Then whispering. Then screaming and crying. Then begging for something, anything. Then pretending to sleep. Then tossing and turning. Then screaming at the top of her lungs. We've tried letting her "cry it out", we do the co-sleeping as she often requests whichever one of us isn't the one putting her to bed. Then she wants to be alone. Then she wants to be with one or the other of us. Then it starts all over again

Bottom line is that we're really just embarrassed. We were embarrassed by what people must think of us. I can imagine it looks pretty terrible. When she does these things in public, we obviously try to diffuse, but what she wants is to go, and we obviously cannot do that. We try walking with her. Try sitting with her. Try just holding her. She wants up, then swats at your face, and kicks uncontrollably to get down. Then we put her down, and she tries to crawl up our legs. We're embarrassed at what bad parents we look like, especially in government offices where we are trying to convince them to allow her to leave their country.

We're just exhausted.

For the past week and a half we have been counting on the fact that we will all be home soon, and our lawyers are so awesome that we were going to have everything set to go for us, all of us, to travel tonight (at midnight). We learned late last night that someone important, at some big office, has not received a document that was needed to sign the Article 23 letter. This letter is what we need to get E's visa and leave the country.

Icing on the cake is that E and I have to stay, while daddy boards a plane home.
I cried for nearly an hour last night. We just want to go home, and start to get into a real routine, and hopefully start to see some behavior improvement. We all need some consistency. We need the support of our friends and family. We need to go home.