Hurt and Angst

This morning I woke up in a complete panic and crying so hard I could barely breathe.

I woke up longing to hold my son, Akyl. Panicking because I don't know where he is. If he's safe. If he's loved.

Grief is a funny thing.

Worrying about your children never goes away. Worrying about the child you aren't able to parent can sometimes be debilitating.

E and I are traveling, and so I woke up in a friend's spare bedroom, initially freaking out because it was unfamiliar. After I was able to catch my breath and roll over to find my hija lying next to me, I felt some relief.

I fully believe in the universe and that we are living the lives that were intended for us. But sometimes I absolutely HATE it. Why was our life intended to be filled with so much hurt and angst? Why was it designed so that we lose not one, but two sons?