Small talk has become incredibly difficult. I’ve always struggled with the canned responses-Doing great, and you? But now I can’t even come close to saying that outloud. I’m not doing great. I’m actually in pretty rough shape.
I want/need so badly to get my hair cut and colored. I’ve been putting it off because it’s expensive, but it is time! Someone referred me to a new gal, and I’m afraid to go. When you get a new person cutting your hair, they want to know all about you. It’s not fair to burden her with my pain and grief. So I won’t go.
We went out for breakfast the other day, and when the waitress came and asked how we were doing, I had to look away because my eyes swelled up with tears. She probably thought I was a lunatic.
We have gotten so many supportive emails and notes from friends and family, and I really think it’s therapeutic. But every time I read one, I cry a little harder. I’m so grateful for the supportive people in our lives and the people lifting us up as we try to get through this.
It’s just hard.
3 comments:
Friend let me jjust assure you that you are not alone in feeling like you need to hold your grief in to be fair to others. That said, though, I'm a big believer in people not asking if they don't want an answer. So when people asked, I told. Sometimes I'd give pat surface answers while I bit my tongue and willed my eyes to dry. But sometimes I couldn't hold it in and honestly didn't care. It often silenced people, because really, what can be said? But you know, sometimes that silence is golden and you are then able to continue with your task. Thinking of you and sending love.
Jes, go to the new girl to get your hair done. Bring a magazine and keep your nose stuck in it the whole time. If she asks you questions, answer with one-word answers and she'll get the idea that you don't want to get personal. I started going to a new hair stylist two years ago and she still knows nothing about my Kyrgyzstan adoption, because by then I had decided that I just couldn't bring any more people on this journey with me. I needed some adoption anonymity in some areas of my life. This salon is now one of my few, adoption-free safe zones. Take. Care of. Yourself. Now, more than ever, you need to be good to you.
I'll go with you! Then you don't have to small talk with anyone but me! Since she doesn't know you at all, we'll make up some extravagant story about ourselves and really mess with her! Or, you could simply tell her that you work several jobs and are a student and this is the one time you get to relax so you prefer to just sit quietly and read a book . I've done it.
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