We have started a 100 Good Wishes (Buenos Deseos) fundraiser page!! It is our goal to try and raise $2,000 in order to pay for the niña's plane ticket home. Please prayerfully consider supporting us. To donate through 100 GoodWishes, click here, otherwise you can click on the 100 Good Wishes image along the right side.
¡Muchas gracias!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
¡Es una Niña!
It's a Girl!
We are so excited to announce that we are pursuing the adoption of a waiting child in Ecuador. She is 3 1/2 years old, and has spent the majority of her life in an orphanage. We found out about her several months ago, and made the official leap of faith about 6 weeks ago. At this point we are only awaiting USCIS approval. Once we have our approval letter, we can add it to our dossier and submit it to Ecuador. It's almost kind of scary that there's nothing left to do. We have submitted everything we can at this point -- and just have to wait for immigration approval. It's almost too easy ...
Now we wait. And pray.
We are so excited to announce that we are pursuing the adoption of a waiting child in Ecuador. She is 3 1/2 years old, and has spent the majority of her life in an orphanage. We found out about her several months ago, and made the official leap of faith about 6 weeks ago. At this point we are only awaiting USCIS approval. Once we have our approval letter, we can add it to our dossier and submit it to Ecuador. It's almost kind of scary that there's nothing left to do. We have submitted everything we can at this point -- and just have to wait for immigration approval. It's almost too easy ...
Now we wait. And pray.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Kyrgyzstan
So far a handful of kids have made it home on US soil. For this first time, they are able to be in loving, caring homes with their Forever Families. I am so overjoyed that after all these years of fighting; these kids were finally allowed to come home.
For the rest of the families there continues to be struggles. This is especially true for the families that have kiddos at the Bishkek Baby House, which is where Akyl was. Several families have completed their bonding trip, came home, and returned to Kyrgyzstan for their court appointment, only to have the judge turn their cases away. I’m not exactly sure of all of the details -- but I do know that it’s not good. The trips alone are costing anywhere from $1,500 to $2,500 a person. This, in addition to all of the late ‘expediting fees’, is turning out to be way more expensive than any of us ever thought. There are so many of our Kyrgyz family members who continue to suffer through this mess. When will it end? Why does it continue to be so difficult?
I miss him SO MUCH. Every. Single. Day. But lately I find myself thinking – Did we get off easy?
For the rest of the families there continues to be struggles. This is especially true for the families that have kiddos at the Bishkek Baby House, which is where Akyl was. Several families have completed their bonding trip, came home, and returned to Kyrgyzstan for their court appointment, only to have the judge turn their cases away. I’m not exactly sure of all of the details -- but I do know that it’s not good. The trips alone are costing anywhere from $1,500 to $2,500 a person. This, in addition to all of the late ‘expediting fees’, is turning out to be way more expensive than any of us ever thought. There are so many of our Kyrgyz family members who continue to suffer through this mess. When will it end? Why does it continue to be so difficult?
I miss him SO MUCH. Every. Single. Day. But lately I find myself thinking – Did we get off easy?
Friday, June 22, 2012
Life
Life continues to forge on.
Some days, it’s incredibly hard.
Some days are pretty ok.
Some days fly by so fast, I don’t have time to analyze.
Sometimes the stars align and you catch a break.
I’m waiting for the stars to align…
Some days, it’s incredibly hard.
Some days are pretty ok.
Some days fly by so fast, I don’t have time to analyze.
Sometimes the stars align and you catch a break.
I’m waiting for the stars to align…
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Mexico!
I'm overdue, but here are pictures from our trip to Mexico in March.
I wish I was still in Mexico!
I wish I was still in Mexico!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Escape
After my last post a series of things happened and it just seemed that I could not escape this terrible nightmare. Ryan’s Boys & Girls Club hosted a Multicultural Festival in partnership with many organizations throughout our city. In one area, high school students were putting on a number of traditional dances from all over the world (very cool). When I stopped to watch, the emcee took the stage. Can you guess where she’s from??? Foreign exchange student … from Kyrgyzstan! What are the odds? A Kyrgyz foreign exchange student in our little town of Fond du Lac? Of course.
The next week I decided I would start to see a therapist to try and work through my emotions, and figure out a way to get back to work. Turns out, she’s an adoptive mom from Kazakhstan. Not quite Kyrgyzstan, but close enough. She even admitted that she wasn’t sure if she should tell me or not because it was obvious that it was still pretty raw. Honestly, it was pretty hard at first, and I debated going back. However, I stuck with her, and now I am grateful to have someone who understands the adoption world, and the desire to mother through adoption. I’ve come to realize that it makes my sessions go much easier.
My heart is broken beyond repair. There is an Akyl size hole in my heart and nothing I do seems to make it less empty. I suppose I need to find a way to live with it, rather than trying to fix it. But I’m a fixer. I’m a doer. There is nothing I can fix or do about this, so it puts me in a bit of a pickle. I feel like I’m holding myself together with tape and glue, and some days the pressure is just too much. The tape and/or glue is going to give, and I will be a puddle.
The next week I decided I would start to see a therapist to try and work through my emotions, and figure out a way to get back to work. Turns out, she’s an adoptive mom from Kazakhstan. Not quite Kyrgyzstan, but close enough. She even admitted that she wasn’t sure if she should tell me or not because it was obvious that it was still pretty raw. Honestly, it was pretty hard at first, and I debated going back. However, I stuck with her, and now I am grateful to have someone who understands the adoption world, and the desire to mother through adoption. I’ve come to realize that it makes my sessions go much easier.
My heart is broken beyond repair. There is an Akyl size hole in my heart and nothing I do seems to make it less empty. I suppose I need to find a way to live with it, rather than trying to fix it. But I’m a fixer. I’m a doer. There is nothing I can fix or do about this, so it puts me in a bit of a pickle. I feel like I’m holding myself together with tape and glue, and some days the pressure is just too much. The tape and/or glue is going to give, and I will be a puddle.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Small Talk
Small talk has become incredibly difficult. I’ve always struggled with the canned responses-Doing great, and you? But now I can’t even come close to saying that outloud. I’m not doing great. I’m actually in pretty rough shape.
I want/need so badly to get my hair cut and colored. I’ve been putting it off because it’s expensive, but it is time! Someone referred me to a new gal, and I’m afraid to go. When you get a new person cutting your hair, they want to know all about you. It’s not fair to burden her with my pain and grief. So I won’t go.
We went out for breakfast the other day, and when the waitress came and asked how we were doing, I had to look away because my eyes swelled up with tears. She probably thought I was a lunatic.
We have gotten so many supportive emails and notes from friends and family, and I really think it’s therapeutic. But every time I read one, I cry a little harder. I’m so grateful for the supportive people in our lives and the people lifting us up as we try to get through this.
It’s just hard.
I want/need so badly to get my hair cut and colored. I’ve been putting it off because it’s expensive, but it is time! Someone referred me to a new gal, and I’m afraid to go. When you get a new person cutting your hair, they want to know all about you. It’s not fair to burden her with my pain and grief. So I won’t go.
We went out for breakfast the other day, and when the waitress came and asked how we were doing, I had to look away because my eyes swelled up with tears. She probably thought I was a lunatic.
We have gotten so many supportive emails and notes from friends and family, and I really think it’s therapeutic. But every time I read one, I cry a little harder. I’m so grateful for the supportive people in our lives and the people lifting us up as we try to get through this.
It’s just hard.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Friends
We are so grateful for the support that we have received in the last week from you all. We feel very blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people. Sunday, great friends of ours came over, cooked a fabulous dinner, and stayed for hours talking and playing card games with us. While we were initially unsure of having company, it was exactly what we needed. Thank you C & D!
We're still chuggin' along trying to figure out how to make it out at the other end of this mess. Even making dinner is difficult. The other day we had chinese food, and our fortunes read: "Turbulence is a life force. It is opportunity. Let's love turbulence and use it for change." and "Watch out for emergencies. They are your big chance." I'm not sure how to take these. Is it a sign? Usually our fortunes are so silly and we disregard them immediately. These are taped to our refrigerator. What does it all mean?
We're still chuggin' along trying to figure out how to make it out at the other end of this mess. Even making dinner is difficult. The other day we had chinese food, and our fortunes read: "Turbulence is a life force. It is opportunity. Let's love turbulence and use it for change." and "Watch out for emergencies. They are your big chance." I'm not sure how to take these. Is it a sign? Usually our fortunes are so silly and we disregard them immediately. These are taped to our refrigerator. What does it all mean?
Friday, February 10, 2012
February 7, 2012
Sometimes dreams don’t come true.
We’ve spent the last four years fighting to be able to provide Akyl a family and a loving home. I haven’t fought harder for anything else in my whole life. I never knew I could love someone I barely knew so deeply. Our love for Akyl has only grown stronger and deeper over the last four years. There hasn’t been a one second in the last 1,500 days that we haven’t thought about him, and imagined him here with us. We never once thought of giving up on him, we were the only people in the world that wanted so desperately to provide for him. And let me tell you, it’s incredibly hard to provide for your child half a world away. We often felt like we weren’t doing enough. We’ve had to watch him grow from a tiny three-month old baby, into a beautiful young toddler through pictures, second-hand stories, and most recently, through Skype calls. We were blessed to be able to Skype with him a few times last spring. On our first call he was a little nervous. He just sat in a little chair across from the computer and kept eating the cookies that he was given. On the following calls he had friends with him, and he was an energetic, silly little boy. We loved watching him interact with the other kids. He even discovered the microphone and thought it was hilarious to say “Privyet!” a thousand times over and over. Of course we encouraged it!
On June 24, 2008, we were matched with our Akyl. It was love at first sight. We knew before even opening the attached medical forms and additional information that he was our son. I had seen him in my dreams and couldn’t believe that my dreams were actually coming true. We were told by our agency that we should be able to bring him home in the fall. We were so elated!
In the fall we were told, “In a couple weeks.” In a couple weeks, we were told, “In a few more weeks.” In a few more weeks we were told, “In a couple months.” By then it was early 2009, and in February, the Kyrgyzstan government put a one year moratorium on inter-country adoptions. We would have to wait a year to be able to bring our boy home. I traveled to Kyrgyzstan in March for Akyl’s first birthday. We decided that a first birthday is important, and he deserved to have someone there to celebrate.
2009 turned into 2010, and 2010 into 2011. We never wavered in our dedication to getting him home. In late 2011 Kyrgyzstan finally passed a new Family Code that allowed for inter-country adoption to resume. Our agencies had to reapply for accreditation, and once they were accredited it was game on. In January, one agency was accredited, and the race was on to get our paperwork together for the new agency and to begin compiling our dossier (for the 4th time). Over the years Kyrgyzstan has promised us to make every attempt in legally re-matching us to our children. I applied to the new agency and got the necessary paperwork together in order to get started. I threw together our dossier in about a week and was just waiting on one document from immigration before sending it to Kyrgyzstan. In the weeks leading up to CWA’s accreditation, several families learned that their children had been adopted domestically in Kyrgyzstan. This was a huge blow, especially after all this time, for the kids to be adopted domestically right when we are finally able to submit our dossiers and go get them. I was devastated. While we were celebrating the chance to finally move forward, some of our dearest friends were mourning the loss of their children. By this time, the number was up to twenty. 20 children had been adopted domestically in one month. 20 children, who have had families in America all this time.
We had been waiting for weeks for CWA to officially verify Akyl’s status. They told us it was difficult because Kyrgyzstan doesn’t want to give information about specific children until paperwork is filed in country, but the families didn’t want to file paperwork unless they knew their child was going to be able to be re-matched to them. On Monday, I finally got an email that said they were able to verify Akyl’s status and he is indeed available for inter-country adoption. You can imagine how relieved I was. Best news so far – we couldn’t wait to go and get him!
Then Tuesday I got a phone call. It was the phone call we have all been dreading since we learned that so many children were being adopted domestically. I was told that Akyl’s relatives have been visiting him during the suspension and have decided to take him in. I was dumbfounded. You just told me yesterday all was good and it was a go. What do you mean?? Are you sure you called the right person? This must be a mistake…
Tuesday, February 7, 2012 turned out to be the worst day of our lives. We’ve lost him. To say that we are devastated would be an understatement. I have not been able to take in a full breath since that phone call. I feel completely empty. Where is he? How is he being treated? Who came for him? WHERE IS HE?
I can’t breathe.
How can this happen? Where is he? Can he feel my heart breaking? I was told by a friend that Ryan and I are some of the most dedicated parents they knew. Are we? Did we do everything possible in our power?
We failed to protect him.
We failed to keep him safe.
I can’t breathe.
Another friend reminded us that he was loved for all this time, and for some orphans they never know what true love is. Did he feel our love from 7,000 miles away? Or did we just convince ourselves of that in order to cope with the painful wait?
In the last couple days I have been able to connect with a friend in Kyrgyzstan. Akyl is still in the orphanage. He hasn’t been taken in by anyone yet. The Kyrgyz government has issued an order to the police department to find relatives and birth families for our orphaned children. They are making every attempt to have them take the children into their homes. I don’t understand why this is happening now. Why not two years ago? Why did the children need to suffer in an institution all this time?
We don’t know what to do. We don’t know how to cope. We don’t know how to imagine our lives without him. We don’t know if we are happy that he is being taken in by relatives. Will they love him as much as we do? Will they do everything in their power to keep him safe and provide the best life for him?
I can’t breathe.
Sometimes dreams don’t come true.
We’ve spent the last four years fighting to be able to provide Akyl a family and a loving home. I haven’t fought harder for anything else in my whole life. I never knew I could love someone I barely knew so deeply. Our love for Akyl has only grown stronger and deeper over the last four years. There hasn’t been a one second in the last 1,500 days that we haven’t thought about him, and imagined him here with us. We never once thought of giving up on him, we were the only people in the world that wanted so desperately to provide for him. And let me tell you, it’s incredibly hard to provide for your child half a world away. We often felt like we weren’t doing enough. We’ve had to watch him grow from a tiny three-month old baby, into a beautiful young toddler through pictures, second-hand stories, and most recently, through Skype calls. We were blessed to be able to Skype with him a few times last spring. On our first call he was a little nervous. He just sat in a little chair across from the computer and kept eating the cookies that he was given. On the following calls he had friends with him, and he was an energetic, silly little boy. We loved watching him interact with the other kids. He even discovered the microphone and thought it was hilarious to say “Privyet!” a thousand times over and over. Of course we encouraged it!
On June 24, 2008, we were matched with our Akyl. It was love at first sight. We knew before even opening the attached medical forms and additional information that he was our son. I had seen him in my dreams and couldn’t believe that my dreams were actually coming true. We were told by our agency that we should be able to bring him home in the fall. We were so elated!
In the fall we were told, “In a couple weeks.” In a couple weeks, we were told, “In a few more weeks.” In a few more weeks we were told, “In a couple months.” By then it was early 2009, and in February, the Kyrgyzstan government put a one year moratorium on inter-country adoptions. We would have to wait a year to be able to bring our boy home. I traveled to Kyrgyzstan in March for Akyl’s first birthday. We decided that a first birthday is important, and he deserved to have someone there to celebrate.
2009 turned into 2010, and 2010 into 2011. We never wavered in our dedication to getting him home. In late 2011 Kyrgyzstan finally passed a new Family Code that allowed for inter-country adoption to resume. Our agencies had to reapply for accreditation, and once they were accredited it was game on. In January, one agency was accredited, and the race was on to get our paperwork together for the new agency and to begin compiling our dossier (for the 4th time). Over the years Kyrgyzstan has promised us to make every attempt in legally re-matching us to our children. I applied to the new agency and got the necessary paperwork together in order to get started. I threw together our dossier in about a week and was just waiting on one document from immigration before sending it to Kyrgyzstan. In the weeks leading up to CWA’s accreditation, several families learned that their children had been adopted domestically in Kyrgyzstan. This was a huge blow, especially after all this time, for the kids to be adopted domestically right when we are finally able to submit our dossiers and go get them. I was devastated. While we were celebrating the chance to finally move forward, some of our dearest friends were mourning the loss of their children. By this time, the number was up to twenty. 20 children had been adopted domestically in one month. 20 children, who have had families in America all this time.
We had been waiting for weeks for CWA to officially verify Akyl’s status. They told us it was difficult because Kyrgyzstan doesn’t want to give information about specific children until paperwork is filed in country, but the families didn’t want to file paperwork unless they knew their child was going to be able to be re-matched to them. On Monday, I finally got an email that said they were able to verify Akyl’s status and he is indeed available for inter-country adoption. You can imagine how relieved I was. Best news so far – we couldn’t wait to go and get him!
Then Tuesday I got a phone call. It was the phone call we have all been dreading since we learned that so many children were being adopted domestically. I was told that Akyl’s relatives have been visiting him during the suspension and have decided to take him in. I was dumbfounded. You just told me yesterday all was good and it was a go. What do you mean?? Are you sure you called the right person? This must be a mistake…
Tuesday, February 7, 2012 turned out to be the worst day of our lives. We’ve lost him. To say that we are devastated would be an understatement. I have not been able to take in a full breath since that phone call. I feel completely empty. Where is he? How is he being treated? Who came for him? WHERE IS HE?
I can’t breathe.
How can this happen? Where is he? Can he feel my heart breaking? I was told by a friend that Ryan and I are some of the most dedicated parents they knew. Are we? Did we do everything possible in our power?
We failed to protect him.
We failed to keep him safe.
I can’t breathe.
Another friend reminded us that he was loved for all this time, and for some orphans they never know what true love is. Did he feel our love from 7,000 miles away? Or did we just convince ourselves of that in order to cope with the painful wait?
In the last couple days I have been able to connect with a friend in Kyrgyzstan. Akyl is still in the orphanage. He hasn’t been taken in by anyone yet. The Kyrgyz government has issued an order to the police department to find relatives and birth families for our orphaned children. They are making every attempt to have them take the children into their homes. I don’t understand why this is happening now. Why not two years ago? Why did the children need to suffer in an institution all this time?
We don’t know what to do. We don’t know how to cope. We don’t know how to imagine our lives without him. We don’t know if we are happy that he is being taken in by relatives. Will they love him as much as we do? Will they do everything in their power to keep him safe and provide the best life for him?
I can’t breathe.
Sometimes dreams don’t come true.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
2012
The end of the year went by in a flash. We spent Thanksgiving at home and volunteered for the annual Turkey Trot to benefit Ryan’s Boys & Girls Club. Christmas came and went just as fast. I had school and finals right up until the 23rd and then we traveled home to Kenosha to visit with family for the holiday. Ryan was also busy finishing his MBA degree and presenting his Integrated Research Paper. Lucky for him, he’s all done with school!! I’m still plugging away :)
Earlier this month Kyrgyzstan finally accredited one agency and it is now legal for them to do inter-country adoptions. Our original placement agency, Adoption Alliance, informed us in December that they were closing their business and we were on our own. They dumped us right before accreditation. The AA adoptive families are all pretty close, and I was lucky to have them to get through the last couple of months. We now have the opportunity to sign on with CWA, the agency that has been accredited. Unfortunately, this means we have to re-pay agency and international fees (we did NOT get a refund of our fees from Adoption Alliance).
With this good news also comes some really sad, heartbreaking news. In the last few weeks, many families have lost their children to Kyrgyz domestic adoption. All of a sudden there is a big push for domestic adoption and many of the waiting families have been affected by this. While I understand that it is best for children to be in families rather than in an institution, I just think the timing sucks! Why wasn’t there a push two years ago? Three years ago? Why now? It just seems so unfair. After four long years of waiting, we are finally getting the chance to move forward only to get a kick in the gut. After such a long fight for our children, at the last minute the children are ripped from us. It is devastating. We have held these children in our hearts and they have been part of our families for all these years and now that it’s legal, these families won’t be able to bring them home.
At this point, Akyl is still waiting for us to come and get him. It’s so hard to describe the feeling I have though, knowing that any day we could also be getting that devastating phone call. How would we survive? Ryan and I have been practicing the power of positive thinking. We are envisioning him home with us. We continue to talk about him and talk about the funny things he’ll do when he gets here. We talk about him taking soccer on Saturdays at the YMCA. We have play dates planned. We are going to continue to maintain this positive thought energy.
That being said, we have to start all over with our paperwork. We sent in the CWA agency fee and application about two weeks ago. We have spent the last week compiling our dossier (international paperwork) that needs to go to Kyrgyzstan to officially register us. At that point, they can re-instate our referral to Akyl and it will be legal. We don’t know exactly what the process will look like, but we should be able to travel really soon. It’s going to take a minimum of two trips to get him home (or one long trip, possible 45 days). I don’t know how if I will be able to go there for the first trip and leave, especially after everything that has happened in the last month. Problem is, I don’t know if I have a choice. Starting over also means repaying all those fees again. We may not have the financial security to be able to pull off one long trip. Everything is so uncertain and that’s a really scary feeling. It’s hard not to be in control. Right now we’re doing what we can and praying everything will work out.
Please continue to keep Akyl and the other waiting children in your prayers. Help us with the positive energy and visions of him being home with us, playing with his cousins and chihuahuas. Post your visions, we’d love to read them. Hopefully we will have more news to share soon!
Earlier this month Kyrgyzstan finally accredited one agency and it is now legal for them to do inter-country adoptions. Our original placement agency, Adoption Alliance, informed us in December that they were closing their business and we were on our own. They dumped us right before accreditation. The AA adoptive families are all pretty close, and I was lucky to have them to get through the last couple of months. We now have the opportunity to sign on with CWA, the agency that has been accredited. Unfortunately, this means we have to re-pay agency and international fees (we did NOT get a refund of our fees from Adoption Alliance).
With this good news also comes some really sad, heartbreaking news. In the last few weeks, many families have lost their children to Kyrgyz domestic adoption. All of a sudden there is a big push for domestic adoption and many of the waiting families have been affected by this. While I understand that it is best for children to be in families rather than in an institution, I just think the timing sucks! Why wasn’t there a push two years ago? Three years ago? Why now? It just seems so unfair. After four long years of waiting, we are finally getting the chance to move forward only to get a kick in the gut. After such a long fight for our children, at the last minute the children are ripped from us. It is devastating. We have held these children in our hearts and they have been part of our families for all these years and now that it’s legal, these families won’t be able to bring them home.
At this point, Akyl is still waiting for us to come and get him. It’s so hard to describe the feeling I have though, knowing that any day we could also be getting that devastating phone call. How would we survive? Ryan and I have been practicing the power of positive thinking. We are envisioning him home with us. We continue to talk about him and talk about the funny things he’ll do when he gets here. We talk about him taking soccer on Saturdays at the YMCA. We have play dates planned. We are going to continue to maintain this positive thought energy.
That being said, we have to start all over with our paperwork. We sent in the CWA agency fee and application about two weeks ago. We have spent the last week compiling our dossier (international paperwork) that needs to go to Kyrgyzstan to officially register us. At that point, they can re-instate our referral to Akyl and it will be legal. We don’t know exactly what the process will look like, but we should be able to travel really soon. It’s going to take a minimum of two trips to get him home (or one long trip, possible 45 days). I don’t know how if I will be able to go there for the first trip and leave, especially after everything that has happened in the last month. Problem is, I don’t know if I have a choice. Starting over also means repaying all those fees again. We may not have the financial security to be able to pull off one long trip. Everything is so uncertain and that’s a really scary feeling. It’s hard not to be in control. Right now we’re doing what we can and praying everything will work out.
Please continue to keep Akyl and the other waiting children in your prayers. Help us with the positive energy and visions of him being home with us, playing with his cousins and chihuahuas. Post your visions, we’d love to read them. Hopefully we will have more news to share soon!
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